EXPERT EXPLAINS THE SCANDINAVIAN PARENTING SECRETS THAT KEEP KIDS CALM AND HAPPY

Denmark's consistently high happiness ranking – said to be the happiest place on Earth – might just have something to do with child-rearing practices, experts suggest.

Danish parenting expert Jessica Joelle Alexander attributes Denmark's ranking in the top three of the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development)'s happiest countries list for over four decades to the nation’s upbringing methods.

"It must be the parenting," she argues. "Happy children grow up to be happy adults who raise happy children, and it is a cycle that simply repeats itself."

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Upon her first trip to Denmark, Alexander was taken aback by the behaviour of Danish children: "The children all seemed so serene, content, respectful and well-behaved. There was almost no yelling and parents looked genuinely joyful. The simplicity of childhood was valued and treasured in a way I had never seen before."

Now settled in Denmark with her Danish spouse and two kids, Alexander's own parenting style has been profoundly influenced by Danish customs – so much so that she penned 'The Danish Way Of Parenting', which has been published in over thirty countries.

Following its success, she's collaborated with her friend Camilla Semlov Andersson, a Danish family therapist, on a sequel, 'The Danish Way Every Day'.

The latest book delves into the secrets of Danish parenting, shedding light on how families in Denmark navigate the challenges of raising kids, from getting them involved in household chores and cooking to establishing smooth bedtime routines and handling the inevitable toddler tantrums and teenage disputes.

"From mornings, to mealtimes to bedtime, conflicts are a parenting problem across the globe," Alexander points out. "Meltdowns seem to know no borders – or do they? How do the happiest people in the world avoid conflict in daily life?"

In her new book, Alexander draws upon six key principles, which spell out PARENT, that she pinpointed in her previous work as central to the success of Danish parenting, offering guidance on how to apply these methods to diffuse conflicts and handle meltdowns in true Danish fashion.

• Play: essential for development and wellbeing
• Authenticity: fosters trust and an 'inner compass'
• Reframing: helps kids cope with setbacks and look on the bright side
• Empathy: allows us to act with kindness towards others
• No ultimatums: no power struggles or resentment
• Togetherness: a way to celebrate family time, on special occasions and every day

And here's how to use the principles to tackle family conflict and meltdowns...

Play

Alexander advises parents to view daily tasks not as hindrances to family time but as chances to bond. She highlights studies indicating that young kids are eager to assist and suggests: "Even if it slows you down now, consider that you're creating a helper for life, with less conflict later on.

"So if you have a 'to-do' list, look to include your kids in a 'to-be' list – how we want to be/feel with our kids in the doing – instead. Remember that work is play for small children, and they love to be with you. Patience, not perfection, is key."

Authenticity

Children don't need perfect parents, but emotionally honest ones, emphasises Alexander. She advises parents to regularly check-in with themselves and their child, questioning whether they can be fully or semi-present.

"If you're having a hard day, it's ok to admit it," she explains. "Include yourself in communication as a real person, not as a parent role. So instead of 'Mummy wants you to go to bed now,' try 'I have work to finish tonight, but you can choose one story'.

"Children who feel taken seriously – in our words, tone and actions – will take themselves seriously."

Reframe

Alexander warns that if you view your child as annoying, aggressive or bad, you'll react this way, escalating power struggles. She explains that Danes avoid giving children negative labels as they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"The 'terrible twos', for example, are called 'selvstændighedsalder' or the independence age," she says. "A toddler's wilfulness is considered normal, healthy and even welcomed – they aim to give them more autonomy, rather than fight it."

For instance, she suggests that in the supermarket young children are allowed to take their own mini-trolley around, help take items from the shelf or put groceries on the belt. "Rather than seeing them as a hindrance, see them as a helper," she advises. "Focus on what they can do, rather than what they can't, and there will be far less conflict."

Empathy

Meanwhile, Alexander emphasises the importance of empathy in understanding why children behave the way they do, assuring that less friction occurs when parents actively search for the root causes of their child's emotions.

Andersson, her co-author, echoes this sentiment: "We believe children have the right to their own feelings. So if a child says 'I'm not hungry', we wouldn't say 'yes you are – eat!'".

Alexander maintains that while parents should certainly set the times and menus for meals, it's critical to allow children autonomy over their portion sizes. "The Danish way doesn't mean being permissive and not having boundaries – not at all," she clarifies.

"It just means children always have the right to their feelings, senses and needs within a framework,” advocating for development of empathy by simply acknowledging and validating how children feel.

No ultimatums

Additionally, she advises avoiding any use of ultimatums with kids.

Research indicates that children from households where respect is at the core of parental governance are more likely to be influenced by their parents than peers during their teen years, according to Alexander. She advises making agreements with offspring rather than issuing commands, which she notes is a popular approach in Denmark.

"These are hugely popular in Denmark," she says, "because children feel part of the plan. Whether it's chores, bedtimes or screentime, kids have a say and it's a more effective way to foster responsibility long-term."

Alexander suggests that when an agreement is broken, parents should strive for composure and "get curious, not furious", underlining that "We can't expect our children to remain calm if we can't. Remember, the cycle comes back to you. Good begets good, bad begets bad, out of control begets out of control, and calm begets calm."

Togetherness and hygge

On the topic of togetherness and hygge, which translates to 'cosiness', Alexander portrays it as a psychological space entered with one's family, leaving all stress and negativity behind. She promotes hygge as valuable for sidestepping meltdowns, whether it's through the shared experience of baking without fretting over the resulting mess or simply washing up with the teens and cherishing small talk.

She articulates: "Sometimes, just sitting down on a nature walk to look at the bugs together can calm a child and bring enormous connection. Many Danish schools get kids outside regularly for this very reason. When you actively focus on glimmers – the little things we love about our children – rather than the things that upset us, it makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day."

The Danish Way Every Day by Jessica Joelle Alexander is published by Piatkus, priced £15.99.

2025-05-03T01:00:43Z