I THOUGHT I HAD EVERYTHING. THEN I REALISED I WAS JUST HAPPY ON THE SURFACE

The moment of clarity that changed my life, and made me realise that I wasn’t truly happy wasn’t, on the face of it, all that significant. 

In April 2019, unable to find what to wear to a new running club – having gone through five outfits and rejecting them all in turn – I looked into the mirror and had a huge realisation. 

It hit me that I had lost my sense of identity – that I was simply ‘surface level’ happy. While nothing was immediately wrong in my life, I knew I was missing a deeper sense of contentment.

On the outside, I had it all. 

I was happily married with two teenage children. I had a nice house, two cars on the drive, and a job where I could make a difference, at a mental health charity. 

But clearly, that wasn’t enough. 

I realised that I was moving through life connected, not to myself, but rather, what was expected of me.

I’d got trapped in the people-pleasing state of mind that put everyone else, and their needs, before me and my own.

Surface level happiness is what happens when you carry out societal expectations because you feel you ‘should’, rather than because you feel genuinely, internally content with those choices. 

I was searching for happiness outside of myself, trying to ‘do everything’. I’d attend all of my work events, every night out friends organised. 

I remember one Christmas night out at work, feeling awkward and realising I was simply there to fit in. Because I couldn’t say no.

I spent a significant amount of money updating my house – but I remember feeling deflated when it didn’t give me the joy I expected.

But now, as I fretted about what to wear, I realised that none of these things were ever going to fulfil me. Instead, I had to look inside myself to find a deep inner peace and true happiness. 

It was an epiphany kind of moment that I felt so deep within me and with such certainty. Everything felt so clear, I felt lighter and instantly more vibrant. I felt like I’d finally found what I was looking for even though I didn’t know what it was.

When I attended the running club in my full kit (leggings, waterproof top, gloves and all), I realised I was completely overdressed.

Previously this would have stressed me out, spoiled my evening, but now I’d realised I needed to make a change; now I felt like I was at the start of something new and exciting, I could just laugh it off. 

And in fact, I had a brilliant time. All of the women were full of fun, light and inclusivity.

Full-time mums, part-time community workers, accountants, teachers, entrepreneurs, it was a wide range of women coming together with two shared goals: to get fitter and to have a laugh. This is why it felt so special. It was focused but not too serious. 

These were powerful women who knew who they were, what they wanted to achieve, and how they were going to do it. It was so uplifting and refreshing.

When I got home, I felt full of excitement and hope.

When I first opened up to my husband, told him that my life felt like Groundhog Day, he was completely supportive. In fact, he’d noticed my pattern of people-pleasing before I had and was overjoyed that I’d decided to start prioritising myself. 

Don’t get me wrong, I was fully in love with him and our family. It was my internal happiness that was missing. Nobody was ever going to fill that apart from me.

As I explained this inner yearning, he listened intently, and asked how he could best support me.

‘Everything’s going to change – I’m going to help people find their identity and reconnect with who they see in the mirror,’ I told him confidently.

Because I knew I couldn’t be another person wandering aimlessly through life, getting through the day-to-day chores, all the while not feeling totally content in my life.  

A few years earlier, I had completed a certificate in counselling but I knew I needed more qualifications. So I enrolled in some in-person training, where I could become qualified in Life Coaching, Neuro Linguistic Programming and Clinical Hypnotherapy.

While attending courses, I continued to work on myself – prioritising my needs, saying no to the occasional night out or wearing what made me happy rather than what ‘looked good’ or ‘what was expected of me’ – and in turn was able to rediscover just what makes me happy.

I learned that I had an innate love of helping others.

This shouldn’t have come as a surprise – I had always felt my happiest when I was helping someone else. I liked feeling like I was making a difference in a positive way. But the extra awareness I now had, gave me a deeper and more profound satisfaction for it and life.

By October 2019, I was renting a room in a health and well-being clinic and within three weeks of opening my new business and advertising on Google ads, I was fully booked.

Since then, through word of mouth and referrals, my business has never stopped.

I ask people to identify what parts of their life feel like a tick box exercise and whether they are prioritising their own to-do list of happiness.

To anyone reading – I urge you to explore what happiness truly means to you. 

I now have a much stronger connection with, and more love and admiration for, the woman I see in the mirror. And you can too.

You can find out more about Charlotte here.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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